I started reading David Brooks’ book not knowing if I’ll find the road to character, despite its eponymous title, but I wanted to see how far along I would come, and so began one of the most consequential books I’ve read in recent times. Every year, I take out time to create my reading plan, the books carefully handpicked in line with my goals for the year. Occasionally, I end up reading books that were not part of the original list but they always have a good story behind them.
When a friend casually referred to this book in a birthday note he put together for his wife, it caught my attention, and I decided to check out the blurb. By the time I was done, I knew this was a book I should read immediately.
In finding character, I want to talk about how a man develops character. At a reception that was held in my honor recently, friends went round the room saying nice things about me. For someone who has always wondered what my eulogy will sound like, it was quite refreshing to hear people say nice things about me. When you hear people talk about you, it gives you an insight into how people see you, because there’s always a big difference between how you see and project yourself and how it lands on others. For me, it was heartwarming.
I am someone who straddles between Adam 1 and Adam 2 (read the book for more context on the two Adams). I like to think of myself of having a higher moral high ground, being honest, leaving money on the table, not driven by money and never trying to cheat the next person or take credit for myself and I have over time figured a way to give myself a good sleep at night, knowing that I go to bed every day being my true self and not having sold my conscience, thinking these were markers of good character. But as David Brooks talks about in his book, character is way more than that. Character goes beyond masking all these good things in Adam 2. Make no mistake, I have done very well in Adam 1, but the things that I define my life by have always been Adam 2.
At that same reception in my honor, I’d already forgotten all the things they said about me until I came across a recent recording. They ascribed good things to me that I was not even aware I projected. Given how I live my life staying true to myself, I seem to divide opinion; those that really like me will go through the ends for me, but those who don’t like me will never put a sword to me. They’d rather sit on the fence and remain noncommittal. And those who don’t like me seem to always fall into two categories – difficult people and people who lack a mirror. In the quest to develop Adam 2, I have become a very strict, no-nonsense person who says it as it is and will not accept anything sleazy and I did pride myself in that even if I have gotten a couple things wrong. I suck at building and managing relationships, but I have managed to get by because I have gotten myself to believe that people who seem to do a good job managing relationships do it because they want something in return whereas I don’t use people and never do things because I want something in return. I am not a people user and never see them as a gateway and so I used that to justify my poor relationship skills.
As I end, I wanted to share this very quick anecdote. Many years ago, I was reading a magazine that profiled a Vice President and they had shown primary school pictures of the fellow with his classmates and I felt bad as I did not have any pictures with my primary school mates so I went to my mother. She consoled me by telling me not to worry, that in the future, it would be my classmates who would feel bad for not having a picture with me; instead, I was not more than 10 when this interaction occurred. And this gives you a glimpse into how I grew up, always finding a way to make situations favor me even when it doesn’t seem like it, training myself to instinctively always see the glass as half full even if the naked eye sees something else. There’s no better story that gives an insight into my character than this one, and I’ll leave the lessons unsaid for you to figure it out.
Welcome to the road to character. I hope you find yours.